Cherish the Ember
by denise1
Summary: A missing scene for In The Line of Duty


Cherish the Ember

By

Denise

Janet walked into the infirmary fighting back a yawn. It was late and she hadn't meant to come back to the mountain, but Cassie had insisted. She nodded to the nurse on duty who was seated at her desk, going over some notes. It was incredibly quiet at the moment, Sam the only patient. "I'm not here," she whispered to the woman who nodded knowingly.

She passed by a meditating Teal'c who recently decided he needed to meditate in the infirmary. Since her admission several days ago, the jaffa had made it clear that the nights were his, choosing to meditate in the corner of the room, close enough to feel like he was guarding his friend yet far enough away to give her privacy and still stay out of the way of the medical personnel. All the guys were acting the same way, clearly shaken by their friend's possession by the goa'uld and subsequent brush with death, desperate to do something to help, yet at a loss as to exactly what to do.

Janet made her way to the last bed, snagging an empty plastic cup along the way. "Hey Sam. Brought you something." She poured some water into the glass and put the small nosegay of wild flowers in it. "Cassie and I had a little picnic this evening. She picked these for you, her way of saying she's not mad about what happened," Janet said, studying her friend. She too wished she could do something, anything to help her. It was like the fire that was her imagination; her zest for life had been quashed to the point where just an ember remained. A tiny spark that was so fragile she feared the faintest breeze could extinguish it.

She couldn't figure out how to help her. Physically she was fine, or as fine as someone who had an alien being absorbing into her body could be. Physically there was nothing really to fix that wouldn't fix itself with time. Physically she should be up and around. Unfortunately her physical fitness had little to do with it.

Even though she'd known it was highly unlikely she'd still hoped that Cassie's visit earlier in the day would miraculously feed that little spark that remained and push it into life. She should have known better, that miracle cures really didn't exist, that it would take her friend time to recover from the sort of trauma she'd experienced. But still she'd hoped.

"Why don't you try to get some sleep ok?" She smoothed back a strand of hair lying across Sam's unfocused eyes. "I'll be back in the morning." She turned and started to walk away. Maybe it was time for the general to call her family? Time to seek some help outside of their little circle. They'd avoided doing it thus far, they all knew that the mark of seeking counseling would likely be the end of the captain's career. But it was reaching the point where they had to worry less about her career and more about her life.

"Janet?"

A soft voice stopped her in her tracks. She hurried back to Sam's bedside half afraid she'd started hearing things and trying not to look as eager as she felt. "Yeah."

Sam frowned and Janet waited for a minute not wanting to startle her. "Could I take a shower?" she asked quietly, spitting the words out in a rush.

"I think I could arrange that," Janet smiled, fighting the urge to cheer. "How about something to eat?" Sam didn't respond. "I could trade you an IV for a meal?" She prodded. Sam took a deep breath and nodded. "Let me go talk to Susan." Janet took her hand and grasped it slightly. "I'll be right back." She started to walk away. She needed to call Cassie real quick too, let the girl know she'd be late.

"I tried." She turned and went back to Sam's bed. "I tried to fight it, really I did." She looked at Janet for the first time. "Nothing worked. No matter how hard I fought, it didn't work."

"It's ok. We know," Janet reassured her.

"They're gonna court-martial me."

"No." Janet shook her head. Where had this come from?

"I assaulted the colonel, tried to kill them. I almost blew up the gateroom. They…"

"No they won't. No body tried to court-martial them when they let Hathor run loose. Under alien influence works both ways. They don't blame you for anything it did."

"They're mad at me."

"No. They're worried. They know he hurt you and they want to help but they just don't know how," Janet explained.

"I hated him. He tried to talk, to explain but I pushed him away. I didn't want him there. I didn't like what he made me do. I hated him so much and then it came and it hurt, it hurt so badly. He protected me. I did nothing but hate him and he protected me. I hated him, told him I wanted him to die and leave me alone and then he died for me."

She started to cry and Janet bent over awkwardly, taking her friend into her arms, rocking her slightly like she did Cassie when the girl had one of her nightmares.  She could see now what had pushed her friend so far into herself. Love and hate were powerful emotions, but guilt was worse. Ordinary survivor's guilt was something she was all too familiar with. She lived with it every day when her daughter asked why she'd survived, why Nirti picked her and not her friend Mariska for her experiments. What made her worth surviving when so many hadn't? She'd been trying for months and had yet to come up with some kind of response that wasn't a cliché. Fate, destiny, pure dumb luck…she didn't know, no one knew. Cassie's guilt was bad but this guilt had to be worse. Cassie hadn't felt her friends and family die. The girl hadn't had a front row seat to her savior's execution.

"He must have had a reason," she said finally. "Maybe he was sorry for possessing you, or maybe he didn't want you to die. Maybe keeping you alive was his way of atoning for something he'd done before. I don't know. What I do know is that you got a second chance, and they don't happen as often as you might think. It'd be a shame to waste it."

Sam pulled back and wiped her face on the corner of the sheet. "The guys…"

"They're worried sick. They just don't know what to do. They want to help you but are petrified of making it worse. Just give them a chance." Janet reached for the drawer of the bedside table and drew out a pair of gloves, some gauze and tape. She put on the gloves and pulled out the IV, applying pressure with the gauze to stop the tiny bit of bleeding. "Which first? Food or shower?"

Sam looked over to Teal'c who was had ceased his kel-no-reem and was now standing in the corner, like she knew he would be. Somehow, even with her back turned, she'd known he was there. A silent sentinel ready to keep the demons away.

"Captain Carter, would you like me to bring you some nourishment?" He offered his normally stoic face showing his relief.

"That'd be good Teal'c, thanks," she accepted his help with a small smile.

"See, that wasn't so hard," Janet said as he left the room.

Sam swung her feet over the edge of the bed and shakily stood up. "I guess not."

"Hey, you play your cards right you could have your own private harem for a few weeks. I know a few ladies on this base that would kill to have those three at their beck and call," Janet quipped relishing the disgusted look that crossed Sam's face.  She led her to the bathroom, snagging some clean clothes along the way. Her friend was still fragile but she knew three guys that would help her feed that spark, nourish and protect it until it grew back into the flame it used to be.

Fin


End file.
